my new query letter (shred, please?)

I’m starting to be happy with Blue Crystal. I’ve finished a new query letter, and as soon as I’m farther with 3.2, off it goes.

In the meantime, what do you guys think of this?

Agent Name,

Wyrren became a political hostage to save her father. Now her own life is in danger.

An investigation originally meant to give the king’s enemies political leverage has led to the remnants of a plague, a vanished city order, and a conspiracy that could destroy the city of Vastii. Someone in the palace will kill to see their secret protected. They already have. Between the threat of imprisonment, the court’s manipulated king, the corrupt nobility, and the rebellious commons, it’s hard to know who Wyrren’s real enemy is. Maybe Vastii deserves to die.

Blue Crystal is a novel of action, intrigue, and dark fantasy, complete at 96,000 words. As per your submission guidelines, I’ve included the first X pages.

Eliza Wyatt

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4 thoughts on “my new query letter (shred, please?)

  1. How does something lead to the remnants of plague? Wouldn’t it have to lead to a full-out plague first? The same goes for the vanished order (which is also confusing because it could mean a disordered city or a missing guild). I think the first sentence should be rewritten to be more clear, even if it’s “led Wyrren to the remnants”.

    Saying Vastii might deserve to “die” makes me think Vastii is a person. Perhaps you could find another verb?

    Other than that, I think it sounds good.

  2. Glad to hear you two are on better terms. 😉

    The query isn’t clear about Wyrren being an outsider to Vastii; perhaps include more of that to reference the bildungsroman angle to the novel?

    • You know, I never really thought of it as a coming-of-age story. It just kindof happened on the way. I wonder how I can fit that in… or if I should just stick to her being an outsider. The book does not fit into a query letter well– I’ve been tryng to write these things almost as long as I’ve been writing the book.

      Thanks!

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